Far away next door

I couldn’t love this time of year more.

Autumn is simply perfect. I love the cool, misty mornings, the bright yet darkening nights and wonderful smelling forests. This time is and has always been very meaningful to me. I remember reading The Lord of the Rings for the first time as a myth-obsessed nine-year-old feeling so connected to Frodo and Bilbo – also for them autumn was the time of adventure, travelling and unexpected things. Not that I’d have that kind of excitement and adventure in my life; I just feel I can very well relate to the atmosphere and mood that fills the Shire every autumn.

Something similar I feel when reading Tove Jansson’s Moominvalley in November. In that book autumn nearly seems to be one of the actual characters (a personification of some sort, perhaps), creating such a strong feel of being not only on the threshold of winter but also being very alone, very disconnected and very isolated both from others and from yourself. And yet, hidden deep behind all that loneliness and anxiety the characters feel in the empty and desolate Moominhouse, there is something utterly comforting about the book and the way it presents autumn – a combination created by a true genius in my opinion.

As much as I’d love to keep rambling about books there was something else I was planning to say.

When it comes to my amateur star observing hobby I’d say August and September are probably my favourite months to watch the sky and get my neck sore. It is dark enough but not too cold; the evenings are darkening slowly so that it is easy to see and recognize the brightest stars that appear first; the ground isn’t yet white and bright with snow. I’ve spent several evenings with my poor man’s backyard astronomy which basically means I’m either sitting or walking outside with binoculars around midnight, trying to recognize stars, constellations, galaxies and star clusters. There isn’t much I know yet; at the moment there are 24 objects I recognize (some of them only partially, though – for instance Hercules is for some mysterious reason lacking his left leg, poor guy). That is to say, there is very little I recognize and even less that I understand about the things I see.

Arcturus. It's a bit dim but perhaps you can see it.

About two weeks ago I finally managed to see Andromeda galaxy. I know it’s actually very easy to find but this far I’ve only been spotting constellations and clusters. Looking at that small, foggy yet bright thing felt unbelievable. Theoretically it is next door but from the very limited perspective of a simple human child it’s incomprehensibly far. My understanding simply doesn’t extend to that kind of distances. Seeing something like that is one of those moments when you stop thinking and keep looking – and when you manage to tear your eyes away you’ve gained a bit more perspective, a bit more understanding, a bit more unity.

Break thy pen, thou fool!

Right.

I took an exam today. Nothing special about that, it just felt strange. Or crap, actually.

I’ve been studying political philosophy this summer, just one course but I didn’t have time to do more since I can study properly only on weekends (otherwise I’m working 8.30–16.30; in Finland we have ridiculously long summer breaks during which I usually work). Today I took the exam and it was horrible, for heaven’s sake! No, wait… I got that reversed, the exam was fine but I was horrible. I sucked and the grade I’ll have will just determine how much. The things I forgot were so obvious, so self-evident. My head is like a sieve, everything I put there goes through. For instance, I forgot to define freedom when writing about Alexis de Tocqueville’s liberalism and theories concerning democracy. Freedom. A word that most likely is in the top three when listing important concepts and ideas the book presents. Summer well spent, I’d say. I hate Fridays right now.

Another thing came to my mind. Being in the classroom felt very odd, the entire campus area did. I haven’t been there during the summer break, perhaps that’s the reason. Be that as it may, I’m scared. I’m actually scared. I love our university but somehow I feel I don’t actually belong there anymore. It’s frightening since school and learning environments in general have always been the only places I feel home at – apart from nature and Scotland of course. I’ve never truly felt deep connection, most of the time I feel sort of disconnected. Studying has always been my anchor and pride, what if I’ll lose it? What if I don’t deserve to study at the university anymore?

Yep. I hate Fridays. Begone, thou foul day!

They're back!

Oh yes, they are - finally. The stars. A few nights ago I saw them properly for the first time in months. I guess the nights have been dim enough for some time already but it's been a bit too cloudy for a good stargazing marathon. But there they were again, just the way they've always been. Only Cassiopeia and both Dippers were bright enough for my untrained amateur eyes but I was thrilled to see them after such a long break. The downside is that that sight made me even more reluctant to return to the city in September... Of course it's a nice city, I love the university and so on but I can't turn myself into a city-dweller. I simply can't manipulate myself like that. I can't stand the light pollution, the noise, the traffic jam... And only we Finns refer to it as a city, to all others it would probably be a village (223 238 inhabitants at the moment). I hate that I can't see the stars properly - not that I'd even enjoy wandering in the streets at night.

I got distracted. Well, that happens all the time. (Even in the middle of a conversation. It's embarrassing.)

Anyway. The stars make me feel at home more than anything else. They're so familiar, so beautiful, so friendly. Two nights ago I also saw a shooting star, haven't seen one since winter. Did I make a wish? Of course. Call me stupid if you like. Naturally I don't actually believe it works. Just hope it does.

P.S.  I tried to make a necklace that looks like the night sky, Milky way or something like that. It is in fact quite nice but then I of course dropped it (the phrase 'all thumbs' is a ridiculous understatement in my sad case). It's not completely shattered but unfortunately I can't wear it since the chain-holder-thingy is broken. Damn. Well, I'll try to make a new one now that I'm smart enough to use steel. Or a rock. Or osmium.