maanantai 30. maaliskuuta 2015

Disconnection

I love my friends. That’s how simple it is. The brain twister is why I am totally incapable of expressing that.

Human beings are supposed to be able to communicate. To some (or most) people communicating is probably the most obvious and mundane thing to do. Is that the way you feel? Congratulations! To me communicating equals solving math puzzles and since I’m struggling with the simplest additions exchanging thoughts with another member of mankind is nothing but a fool’s errand. I just can’t do it.


Most of the time I feel – in the absence of a better expression – disconnected as if there were a huge gap between myself and other people. I’d love to share a simple, straightforward and sincere connection with someone, I’d love to be able to convey my thoughts as much as I’d love to understand the thoughts of the other person in the way they were meant to be understood. Why can’t I have that? Why do I so often find myself unintentionally insulting someone? Sometimes I just blurt out my weird opinions and views and end up regretting that in less than five minutes.




The other thing is that sometimes I simply don’t understand what people around me are talking about. I guess that is because most of my friends share faith in certain things I cannot believe in. It’s not that I don’t want to believe in those things, I do – I just don’t see how I could (thanks to the sarcastic cynic screaming in my head). Therefore I believe the gap will remain without a bridge, as unfortunate as it is.



keskiviikko 18. maaliskuuta 2015

Aurorae

You might be wondering whether I’m aware that there is nothing in these pictures. Don’t worry. I know they're black.




Should you be one of those who wield endless good will and eyes of an eagle (although I don’t know how well eagles can see colours) you might be able to see a dim, greenish area in these pictures. You don’t? Then my eyes are creating visions to please me. The reason why I’m posting these pathetic ‘photos’ (note the scornful tone) is that we had northern lights here last night. Here comes the great question: why am I in the city the one time aurorae can be seen in southern Finland? Due to massive light pollution the aurorae seemed quite dim but I’m nevertheless thrilled I saw them. I find it curious that I've lived 22 years in Finland, well above 60°0’ N and still haven’t seen northern lights until now.

Even though I like photographing I don’t know much about it. I’d love to be able to photograph stars, northern lights and that kind of things but I lack both the technical and the artistic skills.  I accept my limits but still want to mention a couple of excuses: a) the aurorae were dim because of the unnaturally bright lights in the town and b) these pictures were taken with a cellphone. Forgive me.

Since the pictures are as miserable as they are it might seem weird I’m putting them here in the first place. My absolutely cheesy and sentimental explanation is the following: What really matters isn't what the photos look like but the moment when I took them. As I said last night was the first time I saw aurorae and it felt so surreal that I thought I should have at least something to convince me the next morning that I actually saw them. It felt unbelievable. They were so beautiful and seemed like fleeting veils of light spreading pale emerald shine that alternated between haze and brightness. Seeing them was both strange and familiar; somehow I felt as if I had been looking at them all my life.



Yep. Sparklers. On a lark? Absolutely.




P.S. I was on the countryside the other weekend and spend a lot of time gazing at stars now that I still can – soon enough the nights will be too bright. I think I recognize at least Ursa Minor and Major, Perseus, Cassiopeia, Auriga, Corona Borealis, Boötes, Cepheus, Orion and the Pleiades. The only stars I think I know for sure are Sirius, Arcturus and Spica. I almost wish our summer nights were darker so that I could both see the stars and smell the wonderful scent of summer. (And pretend to be an elf. Laugh if you please.)

perjantai 27. helmikuuta 2015

Falling water

I’m aware that coherency isn't really my greatest virtue as a writer but even with that remark being made the following text is remarkably random. Feel free to grow tired with this rambling.

I’m completely obsessed with waterfalls. Yes, waterfalls. I love them. They’re beautiful, mystical and wondrous to behold. They remain in the same place for ages and yet live in constant movement. The sound of falling water is as enchanting as are the foam and wavelets in the pool below. I regret to say I've only seen some small waterfalls and I guess they've been more like high rapids than actual falls. I’d love to go to Iceland, Italy or New Zealand (among dozen other places); as far as I know they've got wonderful falls there and at the moment my travel fever is practically impossible to handle. I should never type words such as 'Most beautiful waterfalls' in Google search box. Never.

As I've written several times more than actually would be necessary I love nature. I’m especially fond of water – I don’t fully understand why but that’s the way it’s always been. I adore lakes, rivers, fountains, brooks, seas, everything. There is something so deeply soothing about water that both seeing it and touching it seems to have a healing effect. One of my favourite things to do in summer is to go for a late night swim (in Finnish we have specific compound word for ‘swimming in the moonlight’, I guess that says something about us) in a lake located in some quiet woodland area. It’s unbelievably relaxing to float and look at the darkening sky, to feel the mist slowly rising from the water around you and to hear the voices of the night birds and the water itself. Those moments are, in my opinion, as close to magic as a simple human child can get.




As a suitably labyrinthine conclusion to the equally labyrinthine text I could say that to me water stands for harmony and healing whereas waterfalls stand furthermore for utmost beauty if not sacredness.


perjantai 20. helmikuuta 2015

Evanescence


Sometimes I’m just so sick of them. Computers. Phones. Technology in general. A coffee machine I can manage. Today my flash drive (or computer; my anger grows just because I don’t even know which device I’m supposed to be blaming for this shit) let me down in a way most unforgivable. I tried to re-send an essay (a fascinating one, it is the one I wrote about Tolkien’s poems) to my teacher since he wasn’t able to open the file I had sent him earlier but all of a sudden I noticed that the entire folder had disappeared. In that folder were all my literature essays, notes, presentations, everything.

I reckon it’s unnecessary to explicate the next step but in favour of the reader’s convenience I’ll do it nevertheless. I’ll move out of this God-forsaken sorry excuse for a city (that I called nice in my previous post; I do realise I’m slightly agitated at the moment) and find my dwelling in some distant, deserted area far away in the woods. I’d go to our summer cottage but oh, right, we don’t have it anymore thanks to  Thor god of Thunder. In fact life as a woodland loner has always been a dream of mine so saying any of this isn’t actually surprising. I’d live in a small hut or a cottage (or a treehouse, even better) deep in the woods or by a lake, I’d have plenty of books but apart from that very little belongings. There I’d dwell in unbroken serenity and grow old with the trees.

I may not be the brightes light in the harbour (at least when it comes to intelligence measured with mathematics) but I still realise this isn’t really a plan most likely to be put into practice. Hence I think I’ll just go and play with the only reliable device within these squares, that being the Moccamaster. Perhaps I’ll find comfort in caffeine.

lauantai 14. helmikuuta 2015

Saint Valentine's Day Special

(The slight touch of irony in the headline is intended. The rest of the text is supposed to be sincere.)



Since I have a severe intolerance of all things pink and fluffy I’m probably the last person to write about Saint Valentine’s Day except when it comes to fun facts (such as there are quite a few Valentine-named saints the Catholic church has recognized and most of them were brutally martyred). However, in order to escape all the illusion-oriented, naïve, pretentious propaganda-in-pink I decided to take a moment to reflect on things that genuinely are important to me.


1. J.R.R. Tolkien. You know why.


2. Nature
I’m not saying I don’t like the city I currently live in. It’s nice and compact, neither too big nor too small. The lakes and parks are beautiful and I like the atmosphere in general. This is a nice city but it is a city nevertheless. Every time I go to the countryside after spending a long time here I feel like I've been holding my breath for weeks and finally get some air when I step out of the car. I need nature; it is as simple as that.


3. Animals.
I love all kinds of animals but especially horses and cats are very close to my heart. I took riding lessons and helped to take care of horses for seven years but then school started to take too much time and I had to quit. I didn't do that lightly and I still miss horses very much (especially the one in the picture – I took care of him weekly for several years but he was put down in 2012). I believe that having a hobby that so essentially includes working with animals is an engagement and deserves both time and effort – therefore I don’t want to start riding again quite yet.

Picture by Noora

This fabulous creature is our cat. He lives with my parents
which is good since I don't believe he'd like it in a city any more than I.
4. Night walks
This is, once again, one thing I most definitely do not enjoy doing in the city and I think it is understandable. On the countryside it is one of my favourite things to do no matter whether it is winter or summer. I love the light summer nights and the dark starry winter sky equally much and I enjoy long walks across fields and forests. Cheesy? Absolutely, but I don’t even care. Besides, it is Valentine’s Day and I’m entitled to be just as cheesy as I please.


5. Music
I don’t know anything about music, anything at all. All I know is that I enjoy it, especially instrumental, slightly folk or new age style music. I’m very fond of Scottish and Irish music but generally my taste varies a lot. Lately I've been listening a lot to this wonderful song by Secret Garden, I find it simply enchanting.


6. Scotland
Does this one require an explanation? Didn't think so. Should one grow roots in a foreign land it is not likely to happen in one summer – and yet it did.

Ballater

Stonehaven

7. Writing
Everything I've got to say about this one sounds ridiculous and hence I suppose it’s better to remain silent.



keskiviikko 11. helmikuuta 2015

Reunion

’What on Earth was I thinking? Probably nothing and that’s the problem.’ That’s what I was thinking in September just before my first philosophy class. In fact that thought still crosses my mind every once in a while – not just in those surreal moments when I’m sitting in a classroom staring at a blank piece of paper not being able to organize my thoughts. I fell in love with philosophy in high school and last autumn I finally had the courage to take my first uni courses. I'm glad to say our reunion was more than happy. As bizarre as the lectures can be I still think attending them is one of the best decisions I've ever made (not that there are many).

I don’t quite understand why I’m so drawn to things that, as fascinating as they are, can’t possibly help me to get a job in the future. This far I've had courses in Finnish, literature, phonetics, linguistics, theater and drama studies and now philosophy. Perhaps I’m choosing all these wonderful-and-yet-useless (sorry for the rather harsh choice of words) courses on purpose in order to avoid becoming a decent tax-payer in the future. Perhaps I just love studying so much that it’s all I want to do in my life.


I’m not going to feel bad about adding to my schedule another subject that might prove to be not-so-hot-stuff in the labor market. The course grades in my diploma may be useless but learning itself never is. Learning philosophy is as fun as it is partially because it lacks the pressure that always comes with things that are supposed to be beneficial in some way (meaning I’m taking the courses as optional studies). Learning philosophy once again reminds me that studying is a privilege, not something done of necessity. That’s what university should be all about.

P.S. To be honest I'm not quite sure I'm actually learning philosophy – most likely I'm even more confused than I was before I started. Be that as it may, I'm still enjoying it and I like to think that's the very point.

perjantai 30. tammikuuta 2015

The Fall of Lórien

Of all the magical places Tolkien created the woodland realm of Lothlórien is the one I love the most. It is both exotic and ancient, full of wisdom and concealed power but also mirth and love even though ’in all lands love is now mingled with grief.’  Before Christmas I wrote an essay about the themes of absence, fading and evanescence in Tolkien’s poems. The poems I analysed were The Song of Beren and Lúthien, Galadriel’s Song of Eldamar and The Lay of Nimrodel and I pondered their place as a significant part of the mythological tradition and continuum of Middle-Earth. Each of these poems – in my opinion – is impregnated with deep longing and grief though not only because they all speak of something that is lost of yore.



Especially Galadriel’s Song of Eldamar made me think of Lórien, fairest of all remaining elven realms on the eastern shores of the Sundering Seas. It is uncommonly graceful and beautiful and yet (speaking of The Lord of the Rings since that is where the poem appears) we readers only get to see it near to its passing in the days when its glory grows lesser. Alongside the Fellowship we wander under the fading mellyrn that, despite their lingering beauty, have already been touched by frost. This process of diminishing also concerns one of the most essential paradoxes of the novel: destroying the One Ring is the only way to save Middle-Earth and its peoples. However, when the Ring is destroyed also the power of the Three Rings fades away. Nenya, the Ring of Adamant wielded by Galadriel is the Ring of preservation and protection. Destroying the One Ring inevitably causes Lothlórien, the very place the Ring of Adamant was used to guard, to diminish when the protective power of Nenya ceases.



The Fall of Lórien literally is the fall of Lórien; as so often in the works of Tolkien (and probably generally in literature) here too autumn is associated with passing and change. It also causes Galadriel to miss the Undying Lands she left so long ago:

‘O Lórien! The Winter comes, the bare and leafless Day;
The leaves are falling in the stream, the River flows away.
O Lórien! Too long I have dwelt upon this Hither Shore
And in a fading crown have twined the golden elanor.’

Winter is on its way and the spring and summer of Lothlórien are gone by ‘and they will never be seen on earth again save in memory’. In this quote (The Fellowship of the Ring; Farewell to Lórien p. 396) the very core of my essay can be seen: most of the poems and songs, especially those of the Elves, are signs of something ancient, something lost, something treasured. When the Third Age comes near to its end there are more than one major changes going on in Middle-Earth and many things will fall into oblivion. Much of the folklore and history of Middle-Earth has survived in Elven poems and songs, but now the ones that still remember the ancient tales are leaving the Hither Shore in order to return to the Undying Lands. Instead of being the singers themselves the Elves now become the ones sung about, they no longer are the storytellers but parts of the stories. With them also fades the oral tradition of Middle-Earth – for instance in Elrond’s Hall of Fire in Rivendell thousands of poems and tales were told throughout the years. That tradition is coming to its end when the Fourth Age comes nearer.

The mythological tradition itself (again, in my opinion) is not fading even though oral tradition might; Bilbo Baggins collected countless songs, poems and tales in the Red Book of Westmarch, including translations from Elvish. The turn of the Third Age into the Fourth is also a turning point for the mythological tradition since it becomes written (and also translated which is not meaningless whenever speaking about Tolkien) instead of oral.



Back to Lórien. The mellyrn are fading, winter has come and the realm is slowly deserted. When I first read The Lord of the Rings 12 years ago I was sad to see that happen – in fact, I still am. However, I’m starting to understand why that had to happen. Besides, even though Lórien as it was in its summer is gone it doesn’t mean it has completely left those who loved it. The spring and summer won’t be seen again save in memory – and even though those who remembered are gone there luckily were those who wrote down the memories. Luckily there was Bilbo Baggins.