Break thy pen, thou fool!

Right.

I took an exam today. Nothing special about that, it just felt strange. Or crap, actually.

I’ve been studying political philosophy this summer, just one course but I didn’t have time to do more since I can study properly only on weekends (otherwise I’m working 8.30–16.30; in Finland we have ridiculously long summer breaks during which I usually work). Today I took the exam and it was horrible, for heaven’s sake! No, wait… I got that reversed, the exam was fine but I was horrible. I sucked and the grade I’ll have will just determine how much. The things I forgot were so obvious, so self-evident. My head is like a sieve, everything I put there goes through. For instance, I forgot to define freedom when writing about Alexis de Tocqueville’s liberalism and theories concerning democracy. Freedom. A word that most likely is in the top three when listing important concepts and ideas the book presents. Summer well spent, I’d say. I hate Fridays right now.

Another thing came to my mind. Being in the classroom felt very odd, the entire campus area did. I haven’t been there during the summer break, perhaps that’s the reason. Be that as it may, I’m scared. I’m actually scared. I love our university but somehow I feel I don’t actually belong there anymore. It’s frightening since school and learning environments in general have always been the only places I feel home at – apart from nature and Scotland of course. I’ve never truly felt deep connection, most of the time I feel sort of disconnected. Studying has always been my anchor and pride, what if I’ll lose it? What if I don’t deserve to study at the university anymore?

Yep. I hate Fridays. Begone, thou foul day!

Reunion

’What on Earth was I thinking? Probably nothing and that’s the problem.’ That’s what I was thinking in September just before my first philosophy class. In fact that thought still crosses my mind every once in a while – not just in those surreal moments when I’m sitting in a classroom staring at a blank piece of paper not being able to organize my thoughts. I fell in love with philosophy in high school and last autumn I finally had the courage to take my first uni courses. I'm glad to say our reunion was more than happy. As bizarre as the lectures can be I still think attending them is one of the best decisions I've ever made (not that there are many).

I don’t quite understand why I’m so drawn to things that, as fascinating as they are, can’t possibly help me to get a job in the future. This far I've had courses in Finnish, literature, phonetics, linguistics, theater and drama studies and now philosophy. Perhaps I’m choosing all these wonderful-and-yet-useless (sorry for the rather harsh choice of words) courses on purpose in order to avoid becoming a decent tax-payer in the future. Perhaps I just love studying so much that it’s all I want to do in my life.

I’m not going to feel bad about adding to my schedule another subject that might prove to be not-so-hot-stuff in the labor market. The course grades in my diploma may be useless but learning itself never is. Learning philosophy is as fun as it is partially because it lacks the pressure that always comes with things that are supposed to be beneficial in some way (meaning I’m taking the courses as optional studies). Learning philosophy once again reminds me that studying is a privilege, not something done of necessity. That’s what university should be all about.

P.S. To be honest I'm not quite sure I'm actually learning philosophy – most likely I'm even more confused than I was before I started. Be that as it may, I'm still enjoying it and I like to think that's the very point.