Right.
I took an exam today. Nothing special about that, it just felt strange.
Or crap, actually.
I’ve been studying political philosophy this summer, just one course but
I didn’t have time to do more since I can study properly only on weekends
(otherwise I’m working 8.30–16.30; in Finland we have ridiculously long summer
breaks during which I usually work). Today I took the exam and it was horrible,
for heaven’s sake! No, wait… I got that reversed, the exam was fine but I was
horrible. I sucked and the grade I’ll have will just determine how much. The
things I forgot were so obvious, so self-evident. My head is like a sieve,
everything I put there goes through. For instance, I forgot to define freedom
when writing about Alexis de Tocqueville’s liberalism and theories concerning
democracy. Freedom. A word that most
likely is in the top three when listing important concepts and ideas the book
presents. Summer well spent, I’d say. I hate Fridays right now.
Another thing came to my mind. Being in the classroom felt very odd, the
entire campus area did. I haven’t been there during the summer break, perhaps
that’s the reason. Be that as it may, I’m scared. I’m actually scared. I love
our university but somehow I feel I don’t actually belong there anymore. It’s frightening
since school and learning environments in general have always been the only
places I feel home at – apart from nature and Scotland of course. I’ve never
truly felt deep connection, most of the time I feel sort of disconnected.
Studying has always been my anchor and pride, what if I’ll lose it? What if I
don’t deserve to study at the university anymore?
Yep. I hate Fridays. Begone, thou foul day!
