Ha! I didn’t panic for nothing! I knew it!

And yet I was kind of hoping for a miracle (the kind of miracle that occurs when everything goes as planned, life is nice and smooth and I don’t constantly find myself messing things up and both causing and experiencing misunderstandings). So, let’s go back to my well-earned, honorable position as both the king and the jester of the mighty and vast realm of chaos, disarray and follies.

(I’d give an explanation for the preceding paragraph if I wasn’t this confused. But it is [mostly] studying-related.)

Anyway, the weekend was nice (for honesty’s sake I probably shouldn’t use the word ‘nice’ since I attended my grandmother’s funeral but that’s not the point here). To be more precise, the night between Saturday and Sunday was nice – or great, in fact. I couldn’t sleep so I went outside (due to the funeral I was on the countryside over the weekend) and enjoyed the magical-looking sky. It was rather cold and the fields were all covered in fog. Earlier I had borrowed an SLR-camera from my uncle and now tried to take pictures of the sky (fair warning: I’m not really a good photographer and I haven’t been using SLRs much before). At least some of the pictures were rather nice.

Such a fair autumn, both days and nights.

Cassiopeia; Andromeda (constellation + galaxy); Pegasus

The Pleiades (a crappy picture but still)

Delphinus

They're back!

Oh yes, they are - finally. The stars. A few nights ago I saw them properly for the first time in months. I guess the nights have been dim enough for some time already but it's been a bit too cloudy for a good stargazing marathon. But there they were again, just the way they've always been. Only Cassiopeia and both Dippers were bright enough for my untrained amateur eyes but I was thrilled to see them after such a long break. The downside is that that sight made me even more reluctant to return to the city in September... Of course it's a nice city, I love the university and so on but I can't turn myself into a city-dweller. I simply can't manipulate myself like that. I can't stand the light pollution, the noise, the traffic jam... And only we Finns refer to it as a city, to all others it would probably be a village (223 238 inhabitants at the moment). I hate that I can't see the stars properly - not that I'd even enjoy wandering in the streets at night.

I got distracted. Well, that happens all the time. (Even in the middle of a conversation. It's embarrassing.)

Anyway. The stars make me feel at home more than anything else. They're so familiar, so beautiful, so friendly. Two nights ago I also saw a shooting star, haven't seen one since winter. Did I make a wish? Of course. Call me stupid if you like. Naturally I don't actually believe it works. Just hope it does.

P.S.  I tried to make a necklace that looks like the night sky, Milky way or something like that. It is in fact quite nice but then I of course dropped it (the phrase 'all thumbs' is a ridiculous understatement in my sad case). It's not completely shattered but unfortunately I can't wear it since the chain-holder-thingy is broken. Damn. Well, I'll try to make a new one now that I'm smart enough to use steel. Or a rock. Or osmium.

Fear to fail

The text you’re about to read is neither more nor less than a pointless lamentation about things that don’t really matter. That is to say, I recommend you to find some other activity than reading my ramblings to spend this fabulous Sunday afternoon.

I have a bad habit of clinging to all kinds of things that tend to be essentially impossible or the very least improbable to ever happen in this beautiful universe of ours. Frankly there are not too many things I want; moneywise I have enough to get by and I’m happy with that, I don’t need more. When it comes to other things such as my inevitable future as a lonely wolf or a mad cat lady – well, that image grew roots in my nervous system so long ago that I accepted it and even learned to like it in some curious way. I don’t really care to bother my brain with such things. There are other things far more puzzling – and frustrating.

My greatest – and probably silliest – fear is that I’ll never get things done. I tend to be slightly ambitious whether it is about studying or other things I wish to be good at. I hate to do things sloppily and superficially, whatever it is I’m doing I want to do it properly. The frustration arises when I realise that my mere will to do things well is not enough to actually make things happen. Perhaps the fear is first and foremost about not being good enough, something I really can’t stand. It’s not just about studying and learning; it’s also about certain silly dreams (or actually one particular dream) I’ve had since I was little and can’t let go despite being totally incapable of making them real. The very point is that the things I want are the kind of things that don’t depend on luck, circumstances or other variables. Therefore this rambling comes down to one conclusion I’m about to face once again:

I suck. Majorly. Again.

Did I make any sense? Guess I didn’t.

A few words about something much more fascinating than the self-pity-oriented whining above: last week I took a late night walk and enjoyed a wonderful, foggy midnight moment. The air was really fresh and clear and to my great pleasure I saw several bats flying back and forth, probably trying to find dinner (or perhaps it was breakfast for them). I find bats really cool and cute with their beautifully shaped wings and furry bodies, such fascinating creatures of the night they are.

I know the picture is crappy but believe me, it is a bat.