Meetings Ere Twilight

A few nights ago I got company on a walk. Dusk had already fallen and suddenly I heard strange noises from the woods. Then I saw them: two adorable fox cubs, staring at me curiously. I think there were more of them; the entire little forest was ruffling softly. It really was one of the most pleasing encounters I’ve had this summer. I apologize for the poor quality of these pictures – I only had my cellphone with me.

It was summer solstice last night. It was full moon, and magically beautiful too: it was barely above horizon and seemed very large. There is something very peculiar about summer solstice, as well as midsummer. The latter is yet to come and I’m looking forward to it.

Existential flu

It’s not the first time I’m feeling like this and I know it won’t be the last.

Perhaps you know the feeling – in fact I’m sure you do. I just don’t have a name for it so I’ll try to explain as well as I can.

This is it. This is how I feel. Thank you, Tove

Jansson, once again. And thanks to my lovely

mother for buying me this reassuring mug.

It’s the feeling that takes over you when everyone has fallen asleep and you’re the only one still awake, unable to sleep; this has been the case since I was a kid and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to sleep comfortably with others in the same room. It’s the feeling when all noises cease and suddenly it is all quiet. It’s the feeling when you’re surrounded by people, there’s a lot of chattering and in the middle of all that you begin to realise you don’t fully belong. And yet, even though you know you don’t belong you fear the moment those people will be gone. It’s the feeling when everything is normal and yet so utterly, terribly out of place. You cannot put your finger on it nor can you explain it but it is even harder to shed the feeling. And then, all of a sudden, there is an icy lump of a great weight in your stomach and you shiver – and you realise how alone and out of place you are.

It’s usually happens at night or one of those times when you sense something is different even if it’s not. You want it to be over, you want to calm down but you can’t.

An apology is in order, I think: I ramble quite a lot but usually there is at least a little bit of sense somewhere. So I’ll blow my nose and wait for my existential flu to pass.

And a year has passed

I can’t believe it’s been one whole year already… Dear sir Christopher, I’ll be thinking about you today. But then again that’s what I do every day – not knowingly, perhaps, but the times you come to my mind are not rare. Thank you once again for everything, not just the work and the voice.

A moment of blossom

It’s been shamefully long – again. Making excuses is never good but I just started a summer job. I also try to write my master’s thesis as much as possible (which isn’t very much right now; I don’t work that many hours a week but there is quite a lot of preparing to do at home before each day). I’m also stuck with Faerie Queene. I’ve only read a bit more than 100 pages and am completely in love with it. Whether I’ll ever finish it or not I know not but it’s a wonderful book, as difficult as it is. The language is lovely and the Spenserian stanza really sinks into your spine after a while. I hope some day I’ll be finished with it – not anytime soon, though.

Those three or four days are here though passing already – those days when apple trees and cherries are in their full blossom. There is no fairer thing in our spring if not the fresh and verdant mornings.

Summer chaos

It’s summer and it’s holiday. I can’t wait for both of them to be over.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing bad about summer (apart from the heat, of course). I love the greenery only just starting to shine; I love the misty mornings, fresh waters and sweet winds. It’s also great that I can spend more time in the countryside. It just seems that summer is about to become a proper chaos. Well, I knew that. I’m very, very pessimistic, and yet the past couple of days exceeded all my expectations. Lovely.

Hopefully I’ll make some progress with my master’s thesis, that’s my one comfort right now. Dear Tolkien, thank you for existing.

Feverish slumber and studying Tolkien

Last week I finished two important things I’ve been working on the whole spring – finished for now, that is, not completely. Now I have a break from them even though there is always some schoolwork to do. One of these projects concerns Tolkien’s legendarium and I couldn’t be more excited about it. Writing has been hard and slow at times but also very rewarding and intriguing. I thought I couldn’t love Tolkien more than I already do but apparently it is possible.

I haven’t really been able to study this week because I’ve got fever and it clouds my minds a little bit – I don’t complain, though, I’ve been having wonderfully bizarre dreams. One night I was trying to memorize the bloodline of the Noldor (half believing they were real), and in another dream I asked my mother to defuse the bomb that was set in our VCR. There’s nothing like feverish slumber. Anyway, shamefully I had to skip a couple of classes because of it and had to think of something to do. I was too tired to read (which is rare) and since I don’t have to write anything big right now after getting those two texts returned I thought I could just relax and watch a film:

‘Hmm, here is my chance to totally forget about the projects and assignments and put them on the side for a while. I’ll do something different for change. Hmm, maybe I’ll watch The Return of the King.’

I’m never quite sure what counts as leisure, what as working time. And I love it the way it is.

Spring sky

Every time I watch the sky after a few weeks break the confusion is massive. ‘Why is it all messed up, why is everyone out of place?’ But since I’m more familiar with autumn sky it’s good for me to get to know spring views a little better. Especially Leo, Virgo and Gemini were really easy to spot and even though Orion is slowly going back to horizon it could still be seen in the evening. Jupiter happened to be very close to the Moon a while ago so it was easy to find – I’m slowly getting better with stars, constellations, clusters, nebulae etc., but I still suck at recognizing planets.

Here are some pictures – sorry for the quality: most of these I took lying on the bonnet of my car trying not to breathe since I don’t have a tripod.

Boötes; Corona Borealis; Serpens Caput (not completely sure about the last one, though)

Leo; Jupiter

Virgo; probably a part of the Crow on the right side of Spica

Canis Minor; Gemini; Auriga; Hyades star cluster